Why Do We Lose Friends in Middle Age?

You’re 30–something and have fewer friends than in your 20s? You’re definitely not alone.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

An old friend and I recently sat down to catch up, and one of the topics that came up was the fact that we’d both — in our late 30s — found ourselves with far fewer friends than we’d had in our 20s or even early 30s. Why does this happen to so many people?

I likened the loss of friends during our 30s to the pruning of neurons that occurs during key stages of development. These friendships, no longer necessary, are pruned and cleared away. This ultimately makes room for more depth and growth in the friendships that we do keep, but it can be a painful and confusing process…and maybe even significantly damaging to our self-esteem.

Here are some factors that could lead to the demise of friendship in middle age:

1) We Just Don’t Have the Time

Sometimes the main reason for losing friendships is simply not having enough time. We tend to get more invested in our romantic relationships and careers at this age, and it’s also the time most of us start having children (or more children). It becomes increasingly difficult to carve out time for friends. We become more selective in planning coffee and dinner dates, choosing only those few we are most excited to catch up with. We’re simply not as “socially promiscuous” as we were in our teens and 20s.

This is also the age when many of us begin spending more time helping our parents and older family members, due to injuries, chronic illness, and the natural decline in health and vitality that comes with old age.

2) We Know Ourselves Better

By the time we’re in our 30s and 40s, we’ve become much more discerning about who we spend our precious time with. We have a better sense of who we are, what we want, and what we definitely do not want.

We often have the wisdom now to recognize which friendships are toxic or are no longer serving our own growth, and so we know it won’t hurt to stop contacting certain people. We may begin to see the benefits of staying clear of those who may suck our energy, drag us down, or otherwise be destructive forces…